July 11, 2001
My father called me Monday night to tell me that the tour was being cancelled because Nick broke his arm. I didn't believe him. I went to the website and found out about you entering rehab. I have to say I'm proud of you, Alex. It takes a lot to admit you have a problem. I've been struggling with my own problems a lot lately, mainly depression and anxiety. I don't have the guts to admit that I need help.
Let me tell you how bad my depression got. I was seriously contemplating suicide at one point in my life. Then I heard your music. The songs lifted my spirit and made me believe that there was more to life than what I thought there was.
I also suffer from anxiety attacks. Things from my past bring on many of them, which I try to avoid, but being in large groups of people brings others on. In fact, I am very proud of myself that I made it through three shows of yours. I knew going in that it was going to be difficult but I wasn't going to let the fear of death stand in my way of accomplishing a dream of mine: to see you guys on the last night of a US tour with great seats. I have come to realize that it wasn't the fear of death, but the fear of dying alone and no one knowing where I was that was the driving force behind these attacks. Knowing that doesn't make it any better.
Although I feel bad for this, I was the one who got to break the news of your misfortune in my area. I became a friend of a radio DJ on a local station under the guise of Backstreet Becca. Well, Tuesday morning, he wakes me up saying we have to talk about the Backstreet Boys. I am awake for maybe two minutes before I get put on the air live. I believe I surprised him when I told him about the other reason as to why the tour was being rescheduled. I think I sounded professional in telling the listeners this, but I have to wait for the tape to find out. I feel bad that my first time being called by the DJ to report the Backstreet News was about this, but I keep telling myself that you wanted the fans to know. You didn't want it hidden. I'm glad of that, and that reason alone makes me feel a little better.
You're in my prayers, Alex, and there you shall stay until you are well. I wish only for your safe recovery and return to the world you enjoy living in so much. I am but one fan, but I know I speak for all when I say, "I love you and I miss you and get well soon!"
Just a fan,